Edible Science

In an attempt to educate myself in the matters of science, I have started reading New Scientist. This new hobby is borne of having a boyfriend who knows everything about everything, and I am sick and tired of asking what he terms as ‘stupid questions’ (well I can tell that’s what he thinks anyway) about the scientific realm, which, as it happens, covers most things.

Never mind that I know everything there is to know about Noam Chomsky, the Frankfurt School theory, Political Economy, Liberalism, our good friend Karl (Marx) and coached two of my best friends for their politics and media law exams because I was the star student. They didn’t too well, but I don’t take it personally – my beautiful but incredibly ditzy blonde friend was surprised when I gently informed her that ‘no, Hayley, John Major was not Margaret Thatcher’s son.’

Anyway, I digress, as usual. I’ve been attempting to read up on science so that M and I can have interesting conversations about the latest life-changing scientific breakthroughs. (He’s not interested in Media Theory). But to be honest, it all goes a little bit over my head. Although I did find it rather fascinating that, according to research in Indonesia, Male macaque monkeys are apparently ‘paying’ for sex from females by grooming them for a certain amount of time. I also learned that certain crops lock carbon away for years, thereby cutting greenhouse gas levels in the atmosphere and averting us all from, it seems, a certain death.

Apparently, crops such as wheat and sorghum are the thing to grow. However, one of the problems I can see is this: With more and more health scientists (okay, Gillian McKeith) telling us that wheat is ‘bad’ for us (well, bread), less people are eating it. This may be total rhubarb, but it does lead me smoothly onto my next point: Stupid diets. Yet another of my housemates has succumbed to the ridiculous idea of becoming a vegetarian. We’ve already got one veggie, another one who doesn’t eat ‘carbs’ (she doesn’t know that carbs are short for carbohydrates, incidentally) and another one who eats only chicken and fish. However, we do have two boys who eat anything that’s put in front of them (and then steal from other people’s plates when they haven’t yet finished their dinner.) Their most common way of doing this is ‘have you finished that?’ while simultaneously picking up the last piece of chicken on my plate and putting it in their fat gobs.

However, that’s not the worst eating habit. No, what takes the cream is people who prefer not to eat with their mouths, using the teeth and saliva that God gave them to chew and masticate their food. Instead, they blend their food into liquid (usually made up of horrible green strange vegetables) and then place it into a bag and, get this, administer an enema. Yes, that’s right – they take their food up the arse. Quite literally. In fact, they even have ‘coffee’ enemas and take that up their bum too. I didn’t catch the beginning of the programme, so I didn’t find out their bizarre reason for doing this, but my conclusion is that they are sick. In the head. Following closely with weird eating habits would have to be the hippy mum (a bit like Marcus’ mum in About A Boy but weirder, and less depressed, although heaven knows why) who feeds her children on a diet of raw food. She also doesn’t give them bread. She does, however, give them pollen and plenty of strange looking things in jars, that are apparently very good for them. The poor kids have never had a cooked meal or sandwich in their lives.

Speaking of which, I’m off to make one - a big fat ham sandwich with lots of cheese. Wheat, meat and dairy all in one. Right after I’ve finished reading the rest of New Scientist.