Gym Bunnies

So, this whole fitness fanatic thing is great... I'm starting to look less pregnant now, which is nice. Martin's brainwashing 'no one is every going to love you if you stay this fat forever' seems to be working. Only thing is, the gym classes are a little taxing. Not because they're tiring, more that I'm a bit special needs when it comes to staying in time with the moves. I'm sure I provide much entertainment for not only the instructor, but the whole class as I try to keep up with their endless coded aerobics steps.

I bet they make them difficult to understand on purpose, to confuse newcomers with no co-ords, like me. Imagine my embarassment when the instructor shouted out something incomprehensible and the whole class surged towards me. Obviously, I try to copy them, only for them to move to the other side, so that I bump into the tanned blonde girl who clearly attends every class in existence and knows the moves with her eyes closed. She's scantily clad in some little black shorts and a crop top, and gives me a look of disgust.

Anyhoo, what I'd really like to comment on today is Big Brother. I know, I know... but this has to be said.. what was with all the fireworks? They must have cost an absolute fortune. Which is fair enough.. I guess Endemol is minted enough to afford it. But then again, that's not surprising seeing as they pay their runners £50 a day.... a shift that starts at 9am and ends at 1am. So, what, that's less than minimum wage then. They get around it by writing into the contract 'your hours are 9-5 but you're expected to work outside these hours.' Well done, Endemol, you tight bastards.

Sing*Star*

We've found a NEW obsession in the house... no Nintendo Wii as yet, so we now play Sing*Star*. Anyone not familiar with this game, well, you're lucky. Otherwise you'll become a crazily competitive singer who actually can't sing, even though Sing*Star* tells you that you can. Like Maria... bless her. She's provided hours of entertainment with her lack of singing skills. And Martin keeps getting in a strop because I tend to beat him, even though I 'can't sing for shit', apparently. Yes, well, tell that to Sting*Star* who tells me that I'm a 'rising star' and tell Martin that he's a 'wannabe'. ha!

The other exciting news comes from Roberts Letting Agency... they've decided to charge us for unblocking our drains. When I called the manager to discuss it, she told us she'll ring us back. She still hasn't done so, so we're ignoring them now. We've even considered recording a voicemail message specially for them:
"Hello. Welcome to Woodend. Please press one for administration issues and two for payment.'
"Thanks. If you'd like us to pay our bill, please wait for us to connect you to Martin."
"You are now on hold. We'll keep you on hold for approximately five hours, during which you can listen to annoying music telling you how great we are. Please note, this call costs £170 per minute, to account for administration fees. These enable us to do f*** all for you all year and is a very necessary charge. Thanks for your patience."

Thanks Roberts. I've also come up with a good idea for a Chrstmas card to send them next year, somethiing along the lines of 'On the tenth day of Christmas, Roberts gave to me, ten ceilings leaking, 9 boilers breaking.... and so on.

It's far too cold today.

why I hate automated voice systems

We've let our bills pile up on top of the fridge, and they're not disappearing. So, I, having lost shotgun (as I do EVERY time) was chosen to sort it all out. The first two bills were paid over the net, and weren't too problematic. However, our water bill wasn't quite so easy...


bournemouth water: 'hello, and welcome to bournemouth water. this is an automated voice service. Do you want to pay your bill?

me: yes

bw: did you say yes?

me: yes

bw: let me check that again. did you say yes?

me: YES!!!

bw: thank you. please give me your reference number

me: 5649023

bw: did you say 734020?

me: no?

bw: let's try that again. please state your reference number.

me: 5649023

bw: did you say 8165430?

me: NO!

bw: okay, please key in that number using the touchtone keypads on your telephone.

me: why didn't you tell me that in the first place?

bw: did you say 7999988?

me: No, I said you're a stupid cow.

bw: okay. pleae key in your number now.

I key it in.

bw: okay. please give me your bank details.what is your account number?

me: 7895727829

bw: thank you. did you say 8997928882?

me: no.

bw: okay. I am unable to process your request. I will put you through to one of our operators.

me: thank goodness for that.

(ring ring)

bw: I am sorry, none of our operators can take your call at the moment. Please leave a contact number and we will call you back.

me: 01202736737

bw: did you say 8363739391010?

me: Oh, for heaven's sake! (slams down phone)

I recovered myself and called an hour later. this time i figured out the system and paid. they then asked for my contact number in case of any issues,

me: 07965391099

bw: did you say 802716263?

me: no.

bw: okay. sorry, my mistake. let's try that again.

me: 07965391099

bw: did you say 80271628272?

me: NO!

bw: Okay, let's leave that. Goodbye.

good news... bills paid.

things that drove me crazy today

firstly: big brother: jade goode belongs in a cage. she's ugly, she's vulgar, she has no personality, she's annoying and she's a complete bitch as well. BB is everything that is wrong with British Society today... my housemate insists on having it on, thus I hear what is going on. sounds like hell.

secondly: perverted men in swimming pools who do more staring than swimming.

thirdly: old people who natter in the pool instead of swim. it's a pool, not a bingo hall

fourthly: orange. they are the worst customer service phone company IN THE WORLD.

fifthly: roberts letting agency. need we say more? they charged us for fixing our drain. but george is quite nice.

rant over... i have finished my draft dissertation so i am happy, for the next few days anyway. feel quite chilled, so far, anyway!

A typical scene in our lounge

The news is on.
'Well done, Tone. I'd like to see you strung up by a rope, hanging from my ceiling, you miserbale, tax swiping old...'
"Dear, don't be ugly. it's not very Christian-like."
'Well, neitehr is he, is he?"
My mother sighs and continues to squint into her laptop screen. A few moments later she reads aloud an amusing story. Which is nice, but it's in Afrikaans, a langauge which I have almost forgotten. I nod and smile. 'Yes, very funny."
"Tell Wardar to bring his troops forward so they inteconnect with Nurofens. I hate cherbils. They always bring my health down.'
'J?"
"Yes, sister?"
"Shut up. You're so loud and I cant hear the TV.'
He grumbles and continues to mutter into his headset about a world that doesnt actually exist.
"Is it okay if I take the car tonight?'
"Sure." My mum says,
"Where a you going? No one told me you were going out. Where are you going?" My dad does this a lot.
"Out. With friends."
"Who?"
"Um, Phil?"
"Phil who?"
"Phil phil, you know.'
My dad turns to my mom. "Who?"
"You know Phil dear, the one you didn't like."
"No. What's this rubbish on TV? Lost? Change the channel."
We ignore him and continue to watch.
"I hate these kinds of programs. So unrealistic."
He continues to mutter,
"So, why are they on the island. Who is he?"
"He's the doctor, dad."
"Why does he have a tatoo like that? Why do they have to type in that code?"
"To stop the end of the world, Dad."
"Who is she? Does she like the blonde guy - what's his name?"
"Sawyer, Dad. I thought you didn't like this programme?"
"I don't. So why is that guy still so fat? i thought they had no food?"
And the scene continues...

New Year, New You -and a boring update

I'm usually quite cynical about that whole New Years resolution thing, but I really feel that 2007 is a new start for me this year. For various reasons, 2006 wasn't the best of years but I have a feeling that this year will be a lot better.

I saw out the year in true style - Honeyclub in Brighton held a masked ball, and though it wasn't that well organized, we had an amazing night anyway. Managed to sneak five of us into the hotel, stumbled into the breakfast suite at ten the next day still wearing our black dresses and black eyeliner (now streaked across our entire faces) and shocked a few families... ah well.

I'm now working at DHL, which isn't too bad, apart from the fact that I have to walk across the docks and endure a lot of attention from middle aged men who act like they've never seen a girl before. One more shout of 'allright, luv?' and I wil not be responsible for my actions, I swear.

We told our electricity supplier that we can't pay our bill because we've bought a Nintendo Wii instead - speaking of which - it's amazing! They weren't too happy, but Eric (the nice man on the phone) did say that he didn't blame us, and that if we pay online we get a big discount, and can we please pay it soon because he'd hate to see a Nintendo Wii not being used if they cut off our electricity... oh. yeah. good point.

My beautiful, amazing housemates threw me a mad hatter un ubirthday party which was amazing. In fact, the whole week was pretty amazing apart from the little tiff me and martin had in the club whcih involved in us smacking each other in public. oops.

I had a little tour of the country and went to visit martin and maggie in their various abodes.. which was much much fun... we played cranium with martins parents which was hysterical.

i'm boring myself now.. sorry guys. oh - the last important news. I am now in love.. with the guy from prison break. isn't he just amazing? any lookalikes, please email. or wentworth, if you are reading this, please understand that I am fully serious when I say I want to run away with you forever and have lots of sex... but no babies please... love love, all.