Child Support

My friend Sahar has been getting random money into her account from the government for the past few months. Being a sensible and good citizen, she called them, and told them that she had hundreds of pounds of government money in her account and can she please give it back.

Of course, they had no idea what she was on about. And it didn't help that her Jewish mum of Persian descent was sitting in the corner of the room shouting 'You shouldn't tell them you stupid girl, you're stupid, you know, you're stupid!'

I find out today that the mystery was solved, via an email from Sahar on a Facebook thread:

'Woe i have no money either, it turns out it was my mums money from Child support years ago and she took it all off me in a flash... didnt even leave me a penny of it!
In fact she literally dragged me to the bank demanding i take it out for her and then just left me there as she sped off in the car to meet her friend...twas such a sad day.'

Meanwhile, Rosie was getting her own back.

There's a lady who Rosie works with who we refer to as 'Never ask for Satnav'. This is because years ago, Rose did work experience at a certain production company. She asked for satnav because she was told to go to a certain place in a hurry and couldn't map read and drive at the same time. Bitchface wrote 'never ask for Satnav' on Rosie's appraisal form and gave her an E in 'self-motivation'.

So turns out Rosie is now working with satnav again - and guess what, she's still a bitter old cow. But apparently, karma does exist - as i discover when I get a text from Rose today:

'Burriliant. The bitch PM has had her her 'done' - think awful highlights/dye job-mutton-dressed-as-lamb which is straightened at the front but straggly at the back. Done by a health and beauty student who was trained, apparently, by Helen Keller.'

Now that is what I call a fair trade.

Builder's Tea

This is just one, of a long list of stories, from my dearest Persian-bred, London-born friend, that never fails to entertain me.

She's currently working in TV, and she's in between contracts, so spends much of her time doing, well nothing. One day she's sitting at her computer and gets a call from her dear friend Kessie. The rest of the story will be in her words, relating the conversation, as I just can't tell it like she can:


'Sahar are you on the internet?'
I say, 'why yes I am'
She says, 'some guy at work asked me to make a builders tea, can you look it up for me?'

I didnt know what the hell she was on about so i googled it and told her I'll ring her back when I find out.
5 mintues later i ring her back and apparently there's an actual brand called 'Builder's Tea' (in a black and yellow box) so I said,

'Kessie, yr work place must have bought the tea brand, 'Builders tea' so find it and just make him that'
......then a long pause....
'Kessie? ..... Kessie? ..

Nothing.
Kessie? you there?

Then she finally speaks....'Oh woe, i couldn't wait for you to ring back so I had to take a guess and made him a herbal tea with 2 sugars..'